As I am preparing information for a conference regarding soul-mates I have had to delve into parts of my experience that have not been understood completely. Well, by “understood” I refer to experiences that have not been integrated by the mind and the depths of the heart and aligned with each other. One thing is to know it and see it, another is to assimilate it internally in all its dimension. Most of us live in this “split” between our humanness and our spirituality. We have spiritual experiences that show us the way, that guide us, that give us the taste of a higher dimension of what we are and then, we have our daily lives, our daily way of coping with the smallest to the biggest experiences through what is most familiar to us: our humanness. Though we experience an intermingling between our human and spiritual experiences, we normally go back to what is more familiar: our habitual identity and conditioned behavioral patterns. If all beings would already live in their spiritual energy, then we would not have that sensation of being split between the spiritual experiences and our daily life. We are in an age of change, integration and alignment. Therefore we need to be open to those possibilities of bringing the higher wisdom and understanding to our mundane life.
I have noticed that as much as I have the answers in front of me and inside of me, as much as I can talk clearly about them, as if I was channeling my higher self, my desires have not allowed me to live those answers. We can understand that desires come from the ego and the natural needs of our humanness. It is not bad to have desires for they can inspire us as well, yet, when the desire is stronger than the inner truth it can block us from manifesting what we already know. Remember that one thing is knowledge and another is wisdom. Knowledge is talking about it, holding the idea, seeing it, and wisdom is doing it, becoming it, living it consciously.
I believe the story of one is the story of all. Circumstances and the degree of impact might change but deep inside, we all experience the vast range of emotions and thoughts that our humanity allows us. That is why I decided to share what I have lived and understood so far. I hope that what I experience can resonate with you and support you on your journey. Today I am ready to share the latest regarding this process of integration of this split we have between our humanness and our spiritual being or between ego and soul and the level of love they hold.
I have shared, in the videoblogs, the whole Twin Flame Story so far, yet it is an ongoing process and things appear as the journey continues. One of the chapters focused on a past life regression session I did, where I was with him and something awful happened after I left in search for new lands. Before I left we knew each other and acknowledge our twin flame truth. We were united at the soul level as one. Yet coming to human form always brings amazing challenges. I took the relationship for granted and so I left for that search without “her” (back then I was a man and he was a woman). When I came back “she” was soulless. Something happened that, during that session, I was unable to see because I was not ready. It impacted me so much that I cried for days. I shared my experience with him and asked him to forgive me for abandoning “her” in that lifetime. Ever since then I have been stuck on that experience because there is a piece missing. My focus has been on finding out what happened to “her” because, in this lifetime, he has been disconnected as well from his soul and he has had such difficulty in re-connecting, so I see the relation between that lifetime and this one. It has caused me a lot of anxiety and suffering not only for the consequences of “her” loss, but because I felt guilty. I have not found the complete picture just yet and though it might all be obvious as how the situation is the same now as it was then, my sense of responsibility has made me want to find out, for him, what really happened. He is depending on my discoveries to see if he finds something that helps him on his own process. Well, this is not the best way to reach integration. Since we met I have been telling him all the possible things he can do to help himself but he has not been able to pursue anything with certainty and discipline. Anything that implies looking inside is unconsciously rejected by him. That is all a reflection of what happened then and I definitively wanted to help since he has been unable to tap into it. Finally he understood that he cannot do it alone and he started going to therapy. I believe he chose the wrong type of therapy but that is something he needs to find out for himself as the rest of the game.
A couple of weeks ago I felt this rush of energy settling in me and I felt strong enough to withstand whatever I have not seen regarding that lifetime. So, I asked the Universe to help me see what I was ready for. An evolutionary astrology reading came on the way and then a dialogue with a friend while I was doing Yaoteq acupuncture on her. Gee, those needles can help someone be so clear as to say exactly what one needs to hear. She told me: “you have to let go of your desire for him to wake up”. That hit me right center. All these years I have desired for him to wake up and reconnect so he can remember who I am for him. A bit selfish or so it looks but, it apparently came from all that love that I discovered for and through him. I know now that this impulse didn’t come from unconditional love but my own selfish needs. The desire sits in my ego, in my humanness because what I have experienced at the soul level only offers peace. There is a gap between what I experienced at the soul level and the reality of the physical realm. How can I bring those two together? To start with, I can’t wake up for him. Nobody can walk the path for no one else. I thought I had that clear, but when it came to the daily interaction, other things kicked in. My sense has been that I am connected to spirit and, for that matter, I had to focus on his “disconnection” and find a way to help him. As much as it can seem quite obvious that it doesn’t work that way and I had the wrong focus, what I would like to transmit about this is that what happened to me is what happens to many people because of our historical conditioning which is to focus on others, outside of oneself, on the faults of others or what we think is wrong. As much as I have worked on myself to align with spiritual dimensions, that conditioning keeps reappearing because it is at the root of the one I am this lifetime. Let’s consider that what is deeply rooted in ourselves about who we are, and that comes from childhood, sits very strongly in our personalities and though we can work and transform many things, from our past conditioning, some will tend to readjust to what is most familiar to our make-up. So, we have to be really vigilant of ourselves, for waking up is no easy task.
I have struggled with this new clarity because many things came to the surface. By pressuring him to work on himself all I was achieving was his rebellion. As much as he knows what he needs, my pressure might have blocked him even more. Then, I put myself on his shoes by remembering how I reacted when my mother pressured me, for decades, with my body weight. When I saw that, I felt terrible because I was doing to him the same thing. So, where is this famous unconditional love that I came to realize? I have kept that experience as something so high above of my human reality that I held it as a beacon where I went when I started to suffer. It didn’t crossed my mind that there was more to having that experience than just a place to go when in need. If it feels so far from my human reality I simply need to keep on working in myself so I can integrate it, align with it or how it better feels. I am not sure if it is about bringing that energy to the third dimension, or me working to elevate my vibrational level, or maybe there is a place where both can meet. I have yet to find how that works best.
The spiritual realm is so magical yet I still need to gain confidence of all that happens to me at that level. As much as I believe in what happens, there is still a level of incredulity that needs to be worked on. For instance, as I have done the research for the conference I mentioned before, I found a phrase by Lu Yun Feng that says:
“Through practice I came to understand that love is the source of all – love that is unconditional and selfless: love which is totally free. Qi came into being, flowing out of unconditional love. From timelessness, from wuji, qi created the universe. From a non-definable reality, yin and yang, the world of duality, came into being. Wuji became taiji. Yin qi and yang qi blended together and gave birth to the universe. It is qi that created the universe and it is unconditional love that gave birth to qi.” ~ Lu Jun Feng, Sheng Zhen Wuji Yuan Gong: A Return To Oneness
I identified, in this phrase, so much of that wonderful experience of unconditional love that it felt like a confirmation. How good to know that I am not a psychiatric case after all. This “confirmation” helped me trust more in something that I must not even doubt. But, the human-ego still responds to conditioning and to limits. The confidence only gets higher with careful discernment of the quality of the energies behind the experiences. It is as if I have to taste every emanating energy and, with practice, one can feel what dimension it is coming from. It has taken years to be able to realize those differences. Meditation has been the greatest support in the observation of the manifestation and the different tastes of energy.
So, what now? How can I find that balance between the human side and the spiritual side? How can personal love surrender to unconditional love? What is integration all about? It is not only a matter of focus but of the unveiling process that happens when we work on ourselves. When we think we are on the right track we can get a bit stuck because we can become a bit narrow minded. Being open while we walk is a necessity and, sometimes, a challenge. I believe, for now, that I need to work on maintaining myself focused on that unconditional love. No matter how much he tells me about the girl he is in love with, how he puts me down when he needs to protect himself, or how he makes me feel I am his last priority (which all hurt the ego). I need to trust what I lived and realize that the soul level experiences are more aligned with what is the essential truth of our beings. All his “disconnection” has made me put my attention on the least best place. Realizing that we are inevitably connected and accepting it is going to help. That is something I have struggled with for a long time mainly because he doesn’t remember me as his twin flame (which hurts mainly the ego). Yet, all those “mystical” experiences I have gone through are not in vain and they all relate to him. I understand that every time the desire pops up, I need to let it go being gentle with myself on the way. That is how we train ourselves. We wake up by becoming conscious of our patterns (which is not exactly all that easy, but very doable) and work to either break free or transform them into something that responds to a new level of awareness.
Living in unconditional love means to trust the process, in wisdom, beyond a lifetime. Means to allow that freedom to manifest, means to respect each other’s process, to accept where we are in relation to what we truly are, to walk by each other in support, in love, in patience, in humbleness, in gratitude, in understanding. It also means working with the inner realms of oneself in order to align with the transcendental truth. Sounds really great, right? Doing it is an amazing challenge that will transform our lives if we embrace it. The journey is always at its beginning until, one day, there is no beginning and no end, again.
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