The Fear of Letting Go

Most of us, humans, live our lives attached to someone or something. It could even be a belief that we are attached to. Sometimes, those attachments serves us to pursue a dream and reach a goal. Yet, we can also acknowledge that attachment is a great source of suffering. If we don’t have this or that, we suffer. If we are not loved by the one we want, we suffer. The Buddhist tradition is very clear about attachment and suffering and they are totally right on. Since the source of our suffering is in the mind, they focus on working with it until it reaches total liberation from the bonds of illusion. What a journey that is! Many don’t even care for that journey since it involves facing oneself to the core and a lot of self-inner training. It is definitively not easy. It’s a warrior’s journey and sooner or later, we will need to venture into it.

So, where do attachments come from? Most of them come from our sense of disconnection and individuality or separateness. Even if we know that we are all connected, we are still living in a world of separation and disconnection. Something that stimulates our sense of attachment is our own ignorance, not only from the illusion of separation but from the fact that we could be so convinced of something, live by it and then we realize we were wrong. Even though we can feel a relief for seeing things clearer, we go first through the shock of the realization. Can we forgive ourselves? Forgiving is not exactly that easy. Least of it all forgiving oneself. It is definitively easier to forgive others yet we tend to forgive in words but still carry the pain or resentment internally, therefore, it is not real forgiveness. It is just a make believe to calm our mind for a while. Real forgiveness gives us inner peace and a place where we can understand, in a deeper way, the gift of the experience.

Letting go has many layers to it, but there is a moment were we can really reach a level of understanding and inner experience that allows us to detach in an easier and more gentle way. I am not an expert on detachment but I am finding out how we can be attached to something and not even recognize it. We tend to live in a state of confusion about who we truly are. We can have mystical experiences and learn about other dimensions of our being on the one hand, and then we are stuck on the mundane level of our existence, living with all the emotions and moments that go from deep sadness to amazing happiness. We are a whole mixture of dimensions living a physical life. According to the time we invest on our inner development and awareness we can probably reach a sense of inner connection to a spiritual self or higher self in a clearer way. It is all about observation and discernment that grows gradually. As I mentioned on the last article, there is a gap between our human self and our spiritual self. We are not exactly aligned and vibrating as one. Our consciousness is divided and that is true for most of us. If we are patient with ourselves and just follow our process we will unveil new levels of awareness. Fear of the new seems to be so innate and valid, yet we have the counterpart of courage to take risks, a leap of faith that we are called to jump into many times if we are to expand our awareness.

There are some discoveries I have made just by observing the process with as much an open mind as I can offer myself now. This process of becoming aware of something in itself is quite a journey. It is exactly like peeling an onion, there are always layers to it and at the end all is “nothing”. We create such a mess between our beliefs and our experiences and, as we peel those levels of awareness (or the onions for that matter), we start realizing the value of its essential nature that is empty of all those struggles we created on the way. I am not quite sure what is behind that moment of revelation. Is it the movement of the planets? Is it the right mind set? Is it consequence of the continuous inner work? Is it a matter of keen observation? Is it a lucid dream? Maybe all of them together? The important thing is that those moments of clarity come and we keep building or transforming ourselves from what we uncover. In my case, I had something strange happened and I didn´t realize it until that “clarity moment”. For years as I went to bed, I felt a sensation as if I was sleeping over an underground water current. It was a vibrating sensation with its own sound that it always felt coming from outside. I changed a couple of times my sleeping position and many times that experience was not present. Since it happened in my apartment, which is on the first floor, I always thought it had to do with underground currents. When I started remodeling my place, I went to my sisters, whose apartment is 2 stories higher and that sensation still appeared now and then, not always. I guess I did not question myself enough about it because it always happened when I went to bed. So I didn’t pay much attention to it. All I would thinkg was: “wow, that current is strong”. Maybe that was the problem: my lack of questioning and follow up. Since I was unable to get a good night sleep at my sister’s, I then went to my parents house, and again, that sensation reappeared some nights. It was then that I finally questioned myself enough to realize that the feeling of underground water current didn’t come from outside of me but from the inside. I finally understood that it had actually been the kundalini energy that has been moving, for me, since decades ago. The thing is that this feeling was so different from the first recognized kundalini experience that I had, that this time it didnt’ even crossed my mind. The first experience happened in year 2000. My body felt like a running motor of a vehicle that got turned on at night as I went to sleep. I got scared because one night as I was trying to fall asleep, I had my eyes closed and it felt as if I had opened them. I was so overwhelmed that I immediately touched my eyes to prove that they were closed but I was looking around as if they were opened. The level of vibration on my legs was disturbing and scary specially because it went on for days. I finally contacted an astrologer that had worked with kundalini energy and he told me that to stop those symptoms I had to have sex. I didn`t understand why and since I was starting a new relationship, I decided to try it and it definitively helped to calm those symptoms that were driving me crazy.  That was a couple of decades ago so as time went by I forgot about this kundalini rising experience. That happened mainly around my first, second and maybe third and sixth chakras. This time, the vibration was softer, and it didn’t feel coming from my body. When I considered that it was not outside of me but coming from within I started questioning about the relationship between the inside and the outside. How can something that is happening in me be felt or projected outside with such clear separation? Now I can start seeing how the outside reality responds to the inner predisposition and vibration but my mind is still overwhelmed so I need time to process this and connect things up. Finally and again, it doesn’t matter how much knowledge I have acquired through research, reading and listening, only when it happens internally things get a real perspective. We are so conditioned to see things outside ourselves as distinct and separate from who we are and with this experience I have had to consider a change in my perception. The knowledge that we hold lacks the strenght of the wisdom that comes with the “realization” of the inner experience. I wirte “realization” because we can have so many inner experiences that remain as such and that we are unable to manifest in this dimension. For the past 7 years I have thought that having the inner experience would suffice to hold something in the strength of wisdom but I was wrong. For example, what was the use of experiencing unconditional love at the spiritual dimension if I am unable to bring it to this material dimension? Indeed, just by having the experience I was blown away and everything started changing but it makes no sense to keep a division between mystical experiences and the day to day life. To align both dimensions there is a lot of work to do and, mainly, a lot of letting go is involved. As with all the inner processes, some require more time than others to become aligned in all dimensions. Some may even take a whole lifetime to manifest, and it is all ok.

One sunday of last December, I had an impelling drive to go to the mountain and write a letter to my “Twin Flame“. In spite of wanting to spend time with my niece and nephews, that energy was strong enough to pull me away from them. When I sat in silence, I felt the presence of the higher self and I just started writing. It was amazing all that came through my hand. After that day that vibrating sensation came back at nights and with pain in the middle and upper back all the way to the first thoracic vertebrae. This pain was new, specially the one feeling at the first thoracic vertebrae. All I could do was observe and follow the process. When I realized that the letter was written during the winter solstice, I didn’t doubt that it was the strength of the soul that took me to the mountain that day. At first, I thought it was a letter that I channeled for him but, as time went by, I realized it was written for me as well, that is, for the me that lives the everyday mundane life.  Then is when it hit me that I needed to find a way to manifest this unconditional love experience instead of keeping it as a spiritual revelation where I hid when needed. The next thing that came shocked me once more. As I tried to align the spiritual experience with the relationship we have now I realized that I had to let go of him. That is what came first, but then, I saw that what I really needed was to let go of my desire for his awakening. All the fighting, the struggle, the desires, the “love”, the vision, the connection, was it all ego based? Not really, it was not all ego based, but I do see the mixing of dimensions all in the same pot and making a soup difficult to distinguish its flavors. I have looked back and listened to some of the twin flame story videos I posted and I can hear the clarity of things that were not integrated in every dimension. Where was that coming from? All I can say is that I felt strongly connected and aligned while sharing the different chapters. What I didn’t realized is that each piece of clear experience had many levels of understanding to it. As I keep walking in my own process of awakening I keep unveiling to new levels of awareness behind the same experience. Going deeper in oneself also means expanding the horizons of the mind.

So, now I had to find creative ways to manifest things from this new place. I needed to delve into that desire to discern the ego part and the soul part. One thing was clear, I needed to let go of that desire. When I acted and detached from it everything in me went blank. A mixture of fear and relief appeared. I came to understand that the motor of our relationship was that desire for him to wake up. All my efforts to understand what happened to him in that past life where he became disconnected from his soul, all the effort to understand his awkward almost bi-polar behavior, all the effort to help him recoonect where based on my desire for him to wake up and remember who I am. Once that desire is not there, on the one hand, there is nothing left, and yet, on the other hand, I can see a glimpse of the unconditional love just being. All these years I didn’t realize that what kept the relationship going was that specific desire. When I saw that it had to do with my own needs, I felt horrible. I thought I loved him! I thought it was all coming from that unconditional love. But it was not! There was a combination of the higher and the lower self experiences that covered the drive of selfish desire. It is not a matter of that being good or bad, it is rather the shock of discovering that eventhough I knew and saw that, it didn´t really clicked because I was not ready to take that in. I have not settled into this new level of awareness just yet. I can feel it, I can see it, but it is not integrated yet. My mind feels numb and unable to see the bigger picture for now.

One of the fears I encountered, in this process, was that without this “drive” to help him wake up, I won’t have a source of inspiration for the discoveries that end up in the articles or videos that I share here. I saw how my own awakening was stimulated by the interaction with him. And now, that I decided to stop participating on his process it feels there is not much we can share just because my attention wont be on finding ways to help him. When I told him that I wont react to his choices anymore, I saw how he had become very dependant on anything that I discovered because he was reluctant to understand what I said and was asking me to give him some information. Then, I was able to see how important it is for him to find his own way without me. Parents tend to do something like that with their children so, is this reaction a learned behavior? Is it the typical maternal instinct? It is that and more. Letting him do his own process without my intervention is a great act of love. It is still a bit difficult to accept on the surface but deep inside I know is the best way to start manifesting that unconditional love. I hope to find more creative ways to integrate the experiences and keep peeling the onion.

Thanks for arriving all the way here. Sharing and explaining inner processes so they can be of help can take more than just few paragraphs. If this was helpful please share it. If you have questions I would be glad to answer.